The Anxiety Tag

Hello, lovelies!

First of all, it's a post! ON A SATURDAY! *glass breaks, cats run wild, and in the distance, sirens*

It has been a while, but that's partly because college is really kicking my butt right now with spring break just around the corner and midterms coming in full force. (Side note: I'll try and get a new Dorm Diaries post up sometime soon to show off my new haircut and little things I've been up to.)

One of my favorite bloggers is Nevillegirl, and she recently (and by recently I mean yesterday) did a post called the Anxiety Tag, which is a tag that has some questions about anxiety and how it affects you. I think mental health is something that really has an issue with stigmas and stereotypes, and I'm hoping to shine a little light on what anxiety is for me on a daily basis. If you would like to read Nevillegirl's post, I will link it here.

And without further ado, here's the tag. (And if you ever feel like your mental health is not in a good place, just know I am here for you and my DM's and email are always open, both my blogger accounts and my personal ones.)

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When did your anxiety start?

For reference, here is my little fifteen year-old self.

I really noticed my anxiety starting during my freshman year of high school. That year was when I first had a panic attack at the mall, and anxiety made it impossible for me to play tennis because I couldn't keep my head in the game or keep my focus for more than a few minutes since it was so bad. As far as what triggered it, I think it was a combination of both situational things I was exposed to (like that mall trip) and also the relationships I had at the time didn't give me a safe outlet to really express what was going on.

What symptoms do you have?

For me, I notice a mixture of shaking, feeling like I'm drowning, and having a complete inability to function. It's sort of like in a fight, flight, or freeze situation, anxiety would make me freeze completely, and my body would sort of shut down. It's horrible, because sometimes crying is thrown into the mix, and sometimes there isn't a direct reason that I can correlate my anxiety to, so I just have this overwhelming tightness in my chest that I can't do a thing about.

How do you control it?

I honestly don't know why this question makes me think of Dr. Strange. How...STRANGE.... *ba dum TSSS*

I've gotten really good at decoding my triggers of panic attacks or just general anxiety (which is a range of things from smothering crowds to people being loose cannons with their emotions), so avoiding situations that I know have triggered issues in the past is something that I tend to do. Often times if I feel a panic attack coming on, I basically wrangle my breathing in and start to focus on my lungs expanding and collapsing and nothing else. (Sometimes I use those little gifs that are supposed to help you keep from hyperventilating rather than taking deep, controlled breaths.)

Sometimes what's helpful is having a friend nearby who understands what I'm going through, because then they're on the lookout as well for potential problems, but, more than that, they can be a presence of support, which is something I value a lot. I've also noticed that just repeating the mantra of, "You are okay. You are okay. You are okay," over and over helps to break into that anxiety that has clouded over my mind and gives me a steady place to mentally grab on to.

Have you ever tried yoga, meditation, or acupuncture?

Acupuncture isn't something that I really ever considered, but I've tried meditation techniques and also exercise, though not specifically yoga. Acupuncture just doesn't sound appealing to me, and I'd have to do a LOT more research on it if I was going to consider it seriously, but as far as meditation and exercise go, I think those can be really helpful for me, personally.

Mediation is a great way to get my mind back to a "clean slate" in a sense, where I can carefully tuck anxiety-inducing thoughts back into their little homes in my mind, and I can sort of just wrap my mind into a nice, warm hug. Exercise is also something I like to do when my emotions and anxiety are going a bit haywire, because it gives me an outlet to channel that anxiety into, and it helps me to get out of the toxic loop I've become stuck in.

How does it impact your everyday life?

It hasn't been as constant in college as it was in high school, and I'm not sure what exactly I'm doing differently, but there are still things I notice about everyday effects. Anxiety makes me a bit of a flake sometimes when it comes to plans, and I really really hate that piece of it. Because sometimes I'll be invited to something and I'll want to go initially, but then I'll slowly start to feel trapped as the time and date approaches, and I feel like I can't escape. And so, sometimes I'll cancel. And it makes me sad.

Other times my anxiety will cause me not to say hello to people when I'm walking to class. I'm doing a lot better with this, but there was a span of time during my fall semester where one of my guy friends (we'll call him Hoodie because he reminds me of that Vine where the kid has his ears in front of his hood) would be walking out of class at the same time I'd be walking on the path to that building, and I would pretend not to see because the idea of interacting in a place outside of our usual biology classroom discussions made me incredibly anxious. (Don't worry, we say hello now.)

Have you made any changes to your life because of anxiety?

I'm a lot more careful now, but I'm also a lot more bold, which sounds really odd.

By being careful, what I mean is that I'm on the lookout now for situations and people that I know have made me anxious before, and I try to keep those experiences at the minimum, or slowly reintroduce myself into them in small doses to see if I can battle my anxiety better. I think this has made me better able to extract myself from situations that really are unhealthy and detrimental in the long run, and it's made it a lot easier to know when it's okay to leave for the sake of my mental health and when I need to stick things out and try to stay.

As far as being more bold, I think my anxiety has changed me to be someone who has developed a bit of a "suck it up and just do the thing" attitude when I'm feeling just generally anxious but it's not quite at the level of panic attack just yet. Like when I was talking about Hoodie, what finally made me just wave and say hello was a sort of mental kick in the butt that said, "Just do it. Conquer your anxiety. It's just one step."

A big thing I do a lot more of now is carving out specific time to go for a hike or pull out a good book and just sit down with some relaxing tea. (Maybe anxiety has helped me become more of a tea drinker?) I think it's just really important to take care of yourself in positive ways, so if having some ice cream or painting a picture works for you, I highly recommend finding something uniquely helpful to you.

Do any foods make your anxiety worse?

Not anxiety-inducing food. Just yumminess from the summer that I wanted to share. (:

The only food/drink that I can think of that can heighten my anxiety is coffee, but I'm guessing that's due to the caffeine that can do adverse things if consumed in mass quantities. Most foods I eat really don't have an affect on me, except for ones with dairy, but those really only mess me up because I'm lactose-intolerant my body will rebuke me in the form of acne and horrific stomach pains if I eat even the smallest bit of ice cream.

Has your anxiety changed with age?

Started this post with a throwback picture, so I figured one from last weekend would be appropriate here. Also, peep that new haircut, yo!

When I was younger, my anxiety just took a much subtler form of me biting the skin around my nails and needing a LOT of reassurance. Middle school anxiety was still pretty subtle, with me just trying to fit in and get through the awkward phase.

High school was really when anxiety was cranked out in full force, and I could physically feel it taking a toll on my body and my mind in ways it had never done before. And as I'm halfway through my first year of college, I'm finding that anxiety is more like a little, somewhat tamed beastie that I have to keep on a leash and make sure doesn't run haywire around my brain. Before, it was a much bigger, much scarier blob of something that I couldn't quite understand, but I think I'm learning to cope with it much better now than I ever did before.

Do people in your life understand your condition?

My best friend does, and my ex-boyfriend also is aware, and there are also a few scattered close friends of mine who understand that it's something I deal with, and it makes conversations about it a little easier because they don't have a stigma in their head like others can.

I really haven't formally told my family about it, because I think my parents especially can just sense that sometimes I just need alone time or I need a reassuring hug just because something isn't quite right. There are definitely people who have no idea, and it's those people who can easily trigger my anxiety and bring on panic attacks at times when I thought everything was running smoothly. These types of people are also the ones who will say, "It's literally giving me anxiety right now," or "I literally had a panic attack," when, in reality, they have no idea what it's like to feel trapped in your own head, your own body.

I am so blessed to have strong people around me, women especially, and some lovely guy friends too, who I know I can go to when things are really not looking good. I'm incredibly lucky, but I understand that some people aren't and it can be extremely difficult to cope with if the support isn't there.

What is your best advice for those struggling with mental health issues?

No one's anxiety is going to be exactly the same as yours. It might be triggered by different things, expressed in different ways, understood in a different context. So when you read about someone struggling and you can't quite relate, but you know something is wrong, don't feel bad about talking to someone you love or getting professional help.

I'm lucky enough that I have therapy available at college if I feel like I need it, and I have incredibly supportive friends who understand that sometimes I'm not going to be at my A-game. But if you don't have those kinds of support links, try to find some! Reach out to online support groups or find people you go to class with or see on a regular basis that you trust to help you carry a portion of your burden.

I also think it's incredibly important to figure out what works for you. Exercise and relaxing with a cup of tea (not at the same time, obviously!) is a big part of what keeps me from feeling completely lost at sea, but that might be the complete opposite of what helps someone else. And that is okay! Because you are you and what works for me doesn't have to work for you. So try different things, and always remember that if something doesn't work, there are plenty of options out there.

And above all, you are NOT alone. There are people in this world who love and cherish you, including myself, and we are here for you no matter what happens.

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Well! That was a long one (but what else is new, haha). This post was more for me than anyone else, but if somehow I helped you or inspired you to do this tag yourself to try and sort through some of the stickier parts of anxiety, then I'm glad.

I will not be formally tagging anyone in this, because it's definitely a sensitive and difficult subject, but I'll leave the tag here if ever you want to see a Winnie the Pooh gif. (:

That is all.

Cheers,