Confession Session

Hello, lovelies!

I've been thinking. I'm that person who likes to bottle every single little thing up inside for weeks, months, maybe even years before I finally explode in a torrent of mindless words. But for this post I'm going to do a little something different and let out a gentle stream of confessions instead of trying to cram everything in my mind like I usually do (*le gasp). I just think I need to clear the air a little bit, maybe for my sake alone. After all, that's how this blog started. With me throwing my thoughts out there and hoping for the best. (:

So. Here we go?

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Confession: I'm an attention seeker.

I used to play the part of the stereotypical protagonist girl who hates the spotlight, but I've realized now that I'm the girl who craves attention. I'll speak a little louder if someone I like is walking by, to try and attract them into my conversation. I'll talk to my friends, but my eyes will be constantly flicking around in search of someone to make  me feel wanted. It's terrible, it's selfish, and I wish I wasn't this way. On the bright side, I've stopped fishing for compliments, which I suppose is a step forward.

Confession: I'm terrified of horses.

I'm friends with a lot of horsey people, and I never understood how obsessed they are with those animals. I rode horses on vacation once or twice, and I used to have a miniature pony when I was a wee little one. But that time I rode horses on vacation the guide told me that horses can sense your fear, and that made me want to flip out. Horses are gigantic, and being a small person anyway made me so terrified of those giant creatures that could break your foot if they stepped on you by accident. *cries because scary horses*

Confession: I'm not happy.

Two/three years ago was when I stopped feeling satisfied and happy. Things just started to fly out of control, and when the dust settled, I couldn't figure out how to piece my life back together. I tried faking a smile, I tried talking to my friends, I watched countless YouTube videos just to take my mind off of things. I was VERY depressed at the end of my freshman year into my entire sophomore year of high school. I'm definitely not depressed anymore, but I still haven't found my happiness back. And that scares me.

Confession: I'm scared I pushed away someone very dear to me.

There are those people that you've known for years. Maybe you even had a little crush on them for a while, but eventually you realize that that's not what you want. And there comes a time when you haven't seen them for a while, so you catch up, talk a bit. But then you realize you don't fit together like puzzle pieces anymore and there's nothing you can do about it. I have this person, and while I feel terrible about it, I can tell that our personalities were never going to mix well. I can be a very flighty, hot-headed person at times, and I need to be around people who are calm and not so hot-headed. This person is just very shy around me, and they're not a steady, solid person. Being around nervous people makes me more nervous, and, being an anxious person anyway, I started to push them away.

I feel horrible. I don't really say hello to them anymore, and I don't actively seek them out the way I might have once done. We make eye contact, but I find myself not waving anymore. They did nothing wrong, but I feel like we outgrew each other along the way somewhere, which is really sad.

Confession: I'm still trying to find the self I lost.

I used to be that person who would morph into whatever role needed to be played in my life. You need a sassy, confident person? I can be that. You need a soft-spoken, gentle person? I got you. I changed masks so many times, forced myself to fit the molds that people liked. But by doing that, I chipped away at the person I wanted/needed to be. At one point I was so desperate for the boy I had a thing with to stay with me that I would always change my personality to be the girl he wanted. When he left, I found myself left with a person that I didn't recognize in the mirror. And I'm still working to find my quirks back, and figure out what was real and what was fake.

Confession: I really hate doing laundry.

It's that and doing general cleaning things that makes me wish I was born a princess with maids to do that kind of thing for me. (Which is lazy, I know, but cleaning things isn't very enjoyable.)

Confession: I'm scared that I'm too picky.

Of course, no one wants to be the girl who settles for any guy on the block. But I feel like I have some many ideals, so many things that I think a guy should do, that I'm setting myself up for something that doesn't exist. Yes, I know that there's someone who does probably fit the "requirements" that I have in my mind, but at the same time, seeing people in love makes me almost want to lower my standards to find someone. Almost. But not quite.

Confession: I hold grudges more than I should.

Forgiveness isn't a foreign idea to me. It just takes me a little bit longer than other people to completely forgive someone if they really hurt me (I go all out passive aggressive on them, which is not good). And even after I come to terms with what happened and forgive that person, I sometimes still hold a grudge against them. Usually I let the past be in the past and get on with my life, but if you hurt me, I find myself tending to avoid that person and being quicker to gossip about them. It's terrible, but I think it's my defensive mechanism. I've been hurt before, and this is my way of protecting myself.

Confession: I get anxious a lot.

I think I've always had anxiety growing up, but it wasn't bad enough to affect me. I would stay up late at night because I was so anxious about the next day, but I would be okay. I never thought it would actually lead to bad anxiety in high school. The end of my freshman year was what pushed me over the edge. My anxiety was even affecting how I played tennis, and that was what led me to quit the sport that I had played my entire life up until that point. And now, I've had some bad panic attacks. Some were triggered by scary college thoughts (I don't want to grow up!), others were seemingly random (though, looking back I can see what caused them).

I don't think people realize what anxiety does to you. I once texted a good friend when my anxiety was at one of its worst points, and instead of being there for me and just talking, they thought it was a good idea to watch a movie and make me feel like I was bothering them. It did nothing to help; in fact, it just made it worse. But even if you ask me if I'm feeling anxious, 97% of the time I will violently deny it, because that's the type of person I am. I try to avoid pity like the plague, even if it's plainly obvious that I'm not doing so hot.

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That is all.

Cheers,
Seana