How to train your dragon
How to train your dragon, not the movie, but with my perspective on this worldwide coveted information. So, have a dragon you need to train? Read onward!
- First of all, you need to make sure that the dragon knows who's boss. You'll have to give it a very long and boring speech since that's all that they bother to listen to these days. It used to be that if you simply said, "Dragon, I'm in charge, so listen up!" They would shush themselves and listen up. But now with all the wise dragons not around anymore, tragic event, all the young lads and lassies don't bother to listen to short and sweet commands. You will need to prepare a nice loooooong speech for your dragon to assert your authority.
- Now that the speech is over and you or the dragon has not keeled over from sheer boredom, we can continue. Start with basic tricks such as "sit", "stay", and "backflip over 22 and a half buses while singing". Anymore more complex than those will drive the poor beastie insane. Poor beastie... Aye, make sure that you stick with the simple tricks. Reward your dragon when he does well (I've heard that they like the taste of rabid cats, but this was just a rumor going around the forest by way of the owls), and when it disobeys, give it a spritz to the face, just like you would with a cat. They don't like being spritzed in the face, so they'll totally understand this gesture. Dragon mothers often spit in their children's faces when they do wrong as well, so it's a natural reaction.
- Since you and your dragon are buds now, you can probably learn to fly it. It's basically the same idea as flying a pegasus, and I'm sure you'll have fun soaring through the air with your new best friend.
- Keep in mind, dragons are mainly carnivorous creatures, and if you forgot to use simple commands when teaching your dragon a trick, then you've probably been eaten by now. I'm sorry. You have my sympathies. Then again, if you're in its esophagus or some other internal organ, and happened to take a computer of some sorts along with you, shoot me an email. I'd like to hear about your experience. I could even write a whole book about it! So you see, your little mishap could be one giant step for writers everywhere. We'd have actual facts about the inside of a dragon instead of myths, and that way it'd actually be accurate. I'd thank you profusely if you'd take me up on this offer. (:
<3 Sea
- First of all, you need to make sure that the dragon knows who's boss. You'll have to give it a very long and boring speech since that's all that they bother to listen to these days. It used to be that if you simply said, "Dragon, I'm in charge, so listen up!" They would shush themselves and listen up. But now with all the wise dragons not around anymore, tragic event, all the young lads and lassies don't bother to listen to short and sweet commands. You will need to prepare a nice loooooong speech for your dragon to assert your authority.
- Now that the speech is over and you or the dragon has not keeled over from sheer boredom, we can continue. Start with basic tricks such as "sit", "stay", and "backflip over 22 and a half buses while singing". Anymore more complex than those will drive the poor beastie insane. Poor beastie... Aye, make sure that you stick with the simple tricks. Reward your dragon when he does well (I've heard that they like the taste of rabid cats, but this was just a rumor going around the forest by way of the owls), and when it disobeys, give it a spritz to the face, just like you would with a cat. They don't like being spritzed in the face, so they'll totally understand this gesture. Dragon mothers often spit in their children's faces when they do wrong as well, so it's a natural reaction.
- Since you and your dragon are buds now, you can probably learn to fly it. It's basically the same idea as flying a pegasus, and I'm sure you'll have fun soaring through the air with your new best friend.
- Keep in mind, dragons are mainly carnivorous creatures, and if you forgot to use simple commands when teaching your dragon a trick, then you've probably been eaten by now. I'm sorry. You have my sympathies. Then again, if you're in its esophagus or some other internal organ, and happened to take a computer of some sorts along with you, shoot me an email. I'd like to hear about your experience. I could even write a whole book about it! So you see, your little mishap could be one giant step for writers everywhere. We'd have actual facts about the inside of a dragon instead of myths, and that way it'd actually be accurate. I'd thank you profusely if you'd take me up on this offer. (:
<3 Sea
Ah, I think you did this a bit lopsidedly. Dragons are anything but patient beings, and they will-- that's an absolute, mind you-- fly away when or even before they hear your thesis statement. If you're quite unlucky, you'll be eaten just before you get through the title.
ReplyDeleteThe best thing to do is start talking to it as an intelligent being. Whatever your thoughts on this matter, dragons are more intelligent than you are-- and yes, I mean you. Do you know the air currents between here and Zimbabwe like the back of your wing? I doubt it. Do you know the best way to play a prank on a griffin in flight? How much do you know on angling your wings so precisely that you can do three full turns over the space of a helipad? Let's face it-- dragons are smarter than we are. I wouldn't be surprised if they knew exactly what to do to render the USA's entire department of defense utterly useless.
After that, you do not just hop on and say, "Giddy up, beastie." That's Leviathan talk. No, first you must be its friend and treat it completely as an equal. Eventually, take a step forward-- look at your watch and exclaim, "Barking spiders, I'm late for [your spontaneously-invented event here]!" Being the best of friends as you two are, the dragon will invite you to hop on his back. Now, there are two outcomes. He pulls the fox-and-gingerbread-man trick and snaps you up (bye-bye), or he flies you where you need to go. All you must do is keep treating him as an equal and feeding him cows every few hours.
In short, you don't train dragons-- you befriend them.
Aye, thank you much for correcting my lopsided views on dragons. Perhaps there are different types of dragons that respond to different commands?
DeleteSpeaking of Leviathan, how did you like it? I'd say that the final book in that trilogy is the best of that series.
Am in the middle of Behemoth at the moment. It's fairly good-- holding my interest. Thank you for suggesting it... Mister Sharp. (Your vocabulary is so chock full of Sharp-isms that I couldn't resist. "Squick", "Aye", "Beastie"... You catch my drift.)
DeleteHmm! I do believe that you are correct that I tend to use a lot of Leviathan talk. I find it quite fun actually, but perhaps I'm overusing it a bit. Aha...Mister Sharp. I thoroughly enjoy the little perspicacious lorises in those books, and there's one picture in the final book of a perspicacious loris sporting a very nice mustache. It's quite special indeed. But I shall not tell you the context of that picture as it would be a bit of a spoiler, and spoilers are no fun.
DeleteExcuse me if I slip and call you Mister Sharp a few times. There are just too many parallels evident.
DeleteNo harm done. I'd probably do the same thing if I was put in your place.
DeleteI'm a new follower! My brother used to be obsessed with the film 'how to train your dragon' and I remember having to write a piece similar to this. It was so much fun. :D You can check out and follow my blog if you wish at www.rollerbladesandvintage.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteTata, Leah xox
Welcome, Leah! Glad you stopped by my blog that I've stuffed full of random nonsense. (:
DeleteI'll be sure to check out your blog sometime!
It's...it's dark...and kinda slimy...something smells weird...I...I was just shot through some sort of tube...I'm not sure...ew! Gross pink swingy thing IN MY FACE!! Ah, better now, fallen into some sort of bag...what's that bubbling stuff...CRAP!! STOMACH ACID!! WHADDOIDO WHADDOIDOO?? UKMMFF! SMUMFF! ECKLE!! ~dissolves~
ReplyDeleteMeep! You've been eaten by the dragon, haven't you, Emily?! That all sounds quite painful. o_o
Delete