I'm Lost in a Haunted House, What Should I Do?

I do so love getting emails from lovely readers like yourselves. Recently I received another one, and this one I decided to turn into a post. Huzzah! This reader was asking me a question or two earlier when they wrote, and now they have some more questions like this one:


wut should i do if im lost in a haunted house, seana? kthxbye!


Glad you asked! Fear not, I shall tell you tips on what to do when one has gotten their directions confused in a spooky mansion.


Step 1:
Don't panic. If you've already panicked, feel free to move on to Step 2 and so forth.
If you haven't panicked, good job! You win a free imaginary teddy bear. The best thing to do when you are lost in the said haunted house is to just remain calm even though there's a skeleton pecking at your shoe. Showing terror will only bring the other ghoulish characters upon you, and this would be unpleasant (I hear that they often enjoy digesting liver juices...) indeed. So remember, do some of those deep breathing exercises and you'll be just fine and dandy.


Step 2:
If you've skipped here from Step 1 either out of boredom or because you were not listening to the whole "Do not panic!" idea, you're here now and that's all that matters.


If you are part of the "I already panicked!" group, please stand over to the right side of the statue that looks like a chicken nugget. There ya go...perfect! Now listen, since you panicked, I'm afraid there are going to be a bunch of those creepy crawly little beasties hanging around now. What you need to do is find a way to calm them down. They say that music soothes the savage beast, but I doubt this. Do you ever see a hero or heroine in movies approach a stampeding hippopotamus and right at the last second bravely whip out their tuba? Frankly, I haven't see this myself, but if you happened to bring your tuba with you, feel free to test this theory, but don't get squashed in the middle of your solo by a creepy something-or-another. Another option is to simply run screaming down the halls, waving your arms for a dramatic effect, and doing the can-can. I believe option #2 is more fun, although your survival chances have severely diminished. Although, the tuba playing might not have been the best idea...


Step 3:
Whether your tuba playing or your mad dashing worked, you still need to get your bearings about you and figure out where you are. Most haunted places I've been to have had those nice YOU ARE HERE signs scattered here and there, but in case yours does not, here's what you must do.


First whip out a piece of paper, cloth, or moss, depending on where you are (haunted forest cabins are especially notorious). Anything that you can write on will work just fine. Now, make little markings of where you've been, where you are now, and where you wish you were (if you don't have a writing utensil, this is sort of difficult to do. I suggest using mud or some other glop nearby). Now just follow your lovely map that has a wonderful homemade touch to it and see if you can find your way out of this place.


Step 4: 
Alright, alright. So maybe the handmade map was a bad idea. Well, if you thought it was a completely silly idea, then you probably didn't do it. Alright. Well just run around screaming and waving your arms some more and I'm sure you attract a bunch of those search-and-rescue dogs eventually. Until then, be sure that you find some sort of shelter and maybe a flamethrower to keep those pesky little vampire bats at bay.


Step 5:
If---er, rather, WHEN---you are rescued by the search-and-rescue dogs that you did not in fact toast to a crisp with your flamethrower that you found so nicely placed by a pile of bones, then you should be rejoicing on your victory of escaping! Huzzah! Give your family a hug, give your friends a hug, give a tree a hug, whatever floats your boat.


Step 6 (optional):
So maybe you accidentally torched those same doggies with the flamethrower. Tough. Well just hang tight for a bit more. I'm sure they'll send in some search-and-rescue zebras within the hour!


Coming soon to The Totally Insane Writer: I'm Hungry! What Should I Do?
<3 Seana