Book review: Here Lies Arthur

Aha, here we have a book that I have just finished reading. And here is my review. Enjoy it if you want to, but that's not an order. This is, as always, a SPOILER FREE review.

Here Lies Arthur
By Philip Reeve


Summary:
Gwynna is just a girl who is forced to run when her village is attacked and burns to the ground. To her horror, she is discovered in the wood. But it is Myrddin the bard who has found her, a traveler and spinner of tales. He agrees to protect Gwynna if she will agree to be bound in service to him. Gwynna is frightened but intrigued-and says yes-for this Myrddin serves the young, rough, and powerful Arthur. In the course of their travels, Myrddin transforms Gwynna into the mysterious Lady of the Lake, a boy warrior, and a spy.
If Gwynna and Myrrdin's trickery is discovered, what will become of Gwynna? Worse, what will become of Arthur? Only the endless battling, the mighty belief of men, and the sheer cunning of one remarkable girl will tell.




Seana's Thoughts:
Remarkable girl? Not the least. So in the summary it talks about the "Lady of the Lake" and some other things she is apparently transformed into happen in the first few chapters that you read. There's no suspense; there's no fun in reading it. The style of writing just bored me half to death since the author seemed to have no idea what he was doing and just plodded along snuffling up random tidbits from the street to add to his concoction. 
And since it bored me so much, I was just begging in my head for something, ANYTHING, to make this more exciting. And then I came across this line, "So if you are following my story, you have Myrddin to thank for it, and if it bores you, you have him to blame..." Really? Admit that this story is boring? Never do that, or the reader will be severely tempted to drop that book in a boiling vat of Jell-O and let the carnivorous gophers have a shot at it too. Of course, there were other peculiar lines in this book as well. Including, "Their cabbagy diet caused great blatting farts to issue from beneath their robes like the trumpet blasts of tuneless angels." Must you go into such depth about that subject? That I felt was a bit unnecessary since the author did so poorly describing anything else with detail except for the farting monks.
Another bit that upset me was that the author was always making the characters making fun at God and saying that faith was just something to keep stupid people occupied. That made me angry since I'm a Christian, and I don't think that it was really a cruel idea to be ripping on other people's faith who read this book. It was ridiculous and made me madder than a squirrel who just ate some curry and jalapeños on the side.
And to top it off with the sour cherry on this non-existent ice cream sundae is the fact that the author added some gender-confused boy and a girl who lived like a boy. The boy who was raised as a girl was just a random character who makes another appearance at the very end--and you met him around the beginning. I still want to boil this book in a vat of Jell-O and let those carnivorous gophers at it...


Seana's Star Rating: ✰
One star. I didn't think that the author had any good plot twists, nor did he have any respect for people who's religions were different than his. I know it sounds like I'm totally lashing out at the author, but I'm not really trying to. Stating the facts, if you will. The star rank was also placed at one because he had a big dose of foul language in a few of the scenes that left me thinking, "If he had taken out those no-no words, perhaps this scene would have been better. Perhaps not." The book just didn't have any of the qualities that I look for in a good book and this one is going in the "Need to boil in a vat of Jell-O" pile.


There you have it. I always hate having to do bad book reviews, but you probably don't want to waste your time on something that has no purpose in reading, right?


~ A very disappointed Seana