How to succeed at life
I'm sick. If you recalled the last post I did before this one, congrats! You have a good memory! Anyways, I'm bored so I'm compiling a list of random ways to succeed at your life. Keep in mind that none of these are proven ways and may involve total public humiliation, but also keep in mind that you MIGHT, just might, succeed at your life! Now who wouldn't want that, eh?
1. First of all, don't insult people. I doubt you'll get very successful if you run around yelling, "Hey, dude! Your hat reminds me of something that I saw on the head of a carnivorous gopher this morning!" Most people don't enjoy being told that their hat resembles a carnivorous gopher on their way to work. Just an idea.
2. If you see a little old lady struggling with a package or needing help to cross the street, here's what you do. Walk up to her and ask in your best British accent, "Ma'am would you need the slightest bit of help with that package? Or is it the street that has you stumped?" If she hits you with her purse, she probably doesn't need help and that is the part where you walk away saying, "Glad to be of service madam!" While tipping your hat or curtsying.
3. If the little old lady does in fact NOT whack you in the face with her overly large baggage and thanks you for offering to help and dumps the package in your arms, now is the time where you help her with the package. No matter how far she has to go until you can put the package down, keep going! Being helpful and willing is a great way to succeed at life. But then again, if you start to notice that you've passed that neon pink statue of a flying turtle fighting an albino hippopotamus, then I would politely tap the little old lady's shoulder and say, "I have an appointment with the Office of Official Business and I'd be much obliged if you could show me where to set down this package." If she doesn't respond, just find another unsuspecting soul and shove the package at them saying, "This poor defenseless old woman needs your help with this here package and she thought that you looked perfect for the job!" And then quickly run away and hide. Little old ladies have fantastic eyesight and she could spot you in a minute if you don't hide behind that neon pink statue of a flying turtle fighting an albino hippopotamus.
4. Now that you've escaped the wrath of the little old lady, it's time for you to put your helpfulness to use elsewhere. Aha, there's someone who needs your help! If you see someone working at the community garden and it looks like they're going to fall down dead any moment with exhaustion, eagerly jump up and ask if they need help. If the response is 'no' then be on your merry way. If 'yes' pick up that shovel and start digging!
5. If the person you're helping promised you they'd pay you, if you're trying to be generous tell them, "That's okay, I like helping people!" If the old lady has already taken all of your patience away then you say, "That's great! I love getting money!" And make a face like a child who's just been taken to the candy store and is allowed to buy anything they want.
6. If your employer has disappeared and it's nearly nightfall, assume you won't get your pay and sneak out of the garden. If you so choose to, leave them a note saying that you had fun working but you should really be getting on the train to Antarctica before it closes.
And now I've reached the bottom of the barrel of ideas for this post so we'll end it off there.
Bye,
Seana
PS: I'm now drinking my herbal sore throat tea with mint extract. Ooh, fancy!
1. First of all, don't insult people. I doubt you'll get very successful if you run around yelling, "Hey, dude! Your hat reminds me of something that I saw on the head of a carnivorous gopher this morning!" Most people don't enjoy being told that their hat resembles a carnivorous gopher on their way to work. Just an idea.
2. If you see a little old lady struggling with a package or needing help to cross the street, here's what you do. Walk up to her and ask in your best British accent, "Ma'am would you need the slightest bit of help with that package? Or is it the street that has you stumped?" If she hits you with her purse, she probably doesn't need help and that is the part where you walk away saying, "Glad to be of service madam!" While tipping your hat or curtsying.
3. If the little old lady does in fact NOT whack you in the face with her overly large baggage and thanks you for offering to help and dumps the package in your arms, now is the time where you help her with the package. No matter how far she has to go until you can put the package down, keep going! Being helpful and willing is a great way to succeed at life. But then again, if you start to notice that you've passed that neon pink statue of a flying turtle fighting an albino hippopotamus, then I would politely tap the little old lady's shoulder and say, "I have an appointment with the Office of Official Business and I'd be much obliged if you could show me where to set down this package." If she doesn't respond, just find another unsuspecting soul and shove the package at them saying, "This poor defenseless old woman needs your help with this here package and she thought that you looked perfect for the job!" And then quickly run away and hide. Little old ladies have fantastic eyesight and she could spot you in a minute if you don't hide behind that neon pink statue of a flying turtle fighting an albino hippopotamus.
4. Now that you've escaped the wrath of the little old lady, it's time for you to put your helpfulness to use elsewhere. Aha, there's someone who needs your help! If you see someone working at the community garden and it looks like they're going to fall down dead any moment with exhaustion, eagerly jump up and ask if they need help. If the response is 'no' then be on your merry way. If 'yes' pick up that shovel and start digging!
5. If the person you're helping promised you they'd pay you, if you're trying to be generous tell them, "That's okay, I like helping people!" If the old lady has already taken all of your patience away then you say, "That's great! I love getting money!" And make a face like a child who's just been taken to the candy store and is allowed to buy anything they want.
6. If your employer has disappeared and it's nearly nightfall, assume you won't get your pay and sneak out of the garden. If you so choose to, leave them a note saying that you had fun working but you should really be getting on the train to Antarctica before it closes.
And now I've reached the bottom of the barrel of ideas for this post so we'll end it off there.
Bye,
Seana
PS: I'm now drinking my herbal sore throat tea with mint extract. Ooh, fancy!
Haha! Love it Sea J!
ReplyDeleteDown with gophers. They ought to be exterminated. Painfully. Unless my suspicions are correct and they're actually natural time machines...
ReplyDeleteThat was brilliant! I liked 2 and 3.
ReplyDeleteD. Skye